DARKEST DAZE....(part 2).

Just gonna stand there and watch me burn
But that's alright because I like the way it hurts
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry
But that's alright because I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie

There are times in your life which are forever burned into your memory.  That night would be one of them.  After the beating and humiliation I had to sit there all night with Matty, following his every order like a dog.  Surprisingly we had a good night client wise and for every client that came in Matty would order me to mull up another stick, go down to the bottle shop and buy a bottle of whiskey and order a pizza delivery.


Any money we made that night was either smoked, drunk or eaten and that was including our partners profits.  

Around 10.30pm Matty was so off his face that he went upstairs to bed.  I took the opportunity of taking the dog out for a short walk and when I returned the 'boy' who had comforted me was sitting in the kitchen with another bowl of marijuana which he offered to share with me.  I remember bursting into tears and the boy telling me that I was a fool.  That Matty didn't love me and that he was wrecking the business.

Around 11.30pm our partner arrived.  This was unusual and I immediately realised that he hadn't come for a social visit.  He asked the boys to go home and then asked my about my bruising.  When I told him I had fallen down the stairs he grabbed me and said 'don't lie to me'...Then he looked at the books and asked for his share of the night's takings.  Before I could even think of a response he told me to go and wake Matty up and bring him downstairs.

Long story short, he calmly sat us down and said he knew that we had not only been spending the profits on drugs but he also knew that Matty had been physically beating me.  In his defence I finally explained to him that Matty had been diagnosed as HIV and that his actions were a result of his trying to cope.

Steven (our partner) put it clear and simple.  There would be no more drugs left on the premises.  He would visit twice a day and sell drugs to the boys and Matty and I were not allowed to buy any drugs until we had paid back the money we owed.  He also gave Matty a warning that he wasn't to physically touch me again.

Matty accepted full responsibility for his wrong-doings.  He apologized to Steven and promised that he would not harm me ever again.  He even cried and told Steven that he 'couldn't cope with his illness' and he 'couldn't understand why he abused me when he got upset'.  Steven left convinced that Matty would be true to his word.  

Without saying anything to me Matty then went upstairs to his room.  I was terrified.  I had seen the look in Matty's face and knew that he blamed me totally for the night's actions.  The 'boy' had left me about half a bowl of marijuana in the 'outside shed'.  I waited for a while and then went upstairs to my room to smoke it.  I had a big heavy 1930's armchair in the room which I pushed against the door to prevent Matty from coming in.

So I sat in my room, terrified, humiliated and wondering what had happened to the boy who could face anything the world threw at him.  I had been the victim of school yard bullying, domestic violence, physical violence and rape. I had always stood up to my bullies or found a way to compensate and at the same time keep my sense of self worth.

I had stood shoulder to shoulder with some of Sydney's toughest underworld figures and commanded respect from nearly every boy in the game.  Now I was a dejected, pitiful person totally dependant upon the whims of the boy I thought I was in love with.  

At around 4am, the drugs finished and me beginning to doze off, there was a loud banging on my door.  I thought I was safe.  The chair was too heavy to push and I had the option escaping via the balcony and running to god knows where.

What I had forgotten was that I had left my dog downstairs.  Matty quietly informed me that if I didn't open the door that he would kill my dog.  I believed him.  I opened the door to find Matty holding my dog in a stranglehold, the dog was quivering in terror.  The next few hours would be the lowest in my life.

I was punched repeatedly in the stomach, my darling dog rushing to protect me, was kicked down the stairs.  At this point I gave up and let Matty do whatever he wanted.  Verbally abused, blamed for ruining his life, he dragged me by the hair downstairs and threw me onto the bathroom floor before kicking me countless times in the stomach.

Unable to move or barely breathe he then pulled me up by the hair and demanded that I begin scrubbing the bathroom tiles with my toothbrush.  In shock and possibly with a little bit of 'fighting spirit' in me I refused.  Only to be smashed into the wall and held there while Matty lit a cigarette and began to push the burning end of the cigarette onto my stomach and chest.  After the first few burns I stopped feeling anything.  I was numb with pain and senselessly allowed him to continue.  This was even more frustrating for him and it was then that he again threatened to kill my dog.

I remember blindly apologizing to him over and over again and starting to scrub the tiles.  For the first five minutes he yelled and abused me for not working fast enough.  He punched me again and again in the kidneys.  I worked faster and faster.

Eventually he left me with a warning that if the bathroom wasn't spotless by the time he woke up he would kill both me and my dog.  I carried on, like an Auschwitz worker, terrified, tortured and numb for at least an hour before I could take no more. 

I couldn't take my dog with me, I had only one place to go, to Steven's.  I didn't have enough money for a taxi and had to walk over a kilometre to Central Bus Station to get a bus there.  I realised that I had to take the chance - it was either my dog's life of mine.  So bruised, battered, burnt and totally in numb shock I literally crawled through the early morning light and eventually got on a bus to take me to Steven's.......