DOUBLE DAZE......

I had to let it happen, I had to change
Couldn't stay all my life down at heel
Looking out of the window, staying out of the sun

So I chose freedom
Running around, trying everything new
But nothing impressed me at all
I never expected it to

That's how I would sum up 1993.  A year of change in which I would start to re-find my self and take up challenges and adventures which I had never thought possible until then.

The year started dismally.  Christine was well and truly a big part of Matty's life and I was feeling like a stranger in my own house.  I took my refuge in work, in my new found life doing the local beats on my night's off and finally and thankfully in my teaching career. The second term of the year had started and I had still not had a teaching offer.  I was starting to feel depressed and worthless.  I had no boyfriend, I had no career and my life seemed to be a delusional, empty world where I found pleasure in the simplest and saddest of things.

I don't know where the inspiration came from, most likely it was a stoned moment in my room, where I suddenly realised that if 'the mountain won't go to Mohammed then Mohammed must go to the mountain'.  My name was down on the 'casual teachers list' in about a dozen local schools but I still hadn't had a call from any of them.  So I decided to put a face to my name and one day went around to each and every school to introduce myself to the Principal and let them know I was available.

Voila!  It was as easy as that.  The following morning I had a call from the nearest school where the Principal asked me if I knew anything about computers and could I start the following day.  Could I what!  Despite the overwhelming obstacles this would become my best opportunity and give me a chance to excel at something both respectable and self-fulfilling.

I arrived the following day not knowing what to expect.  The school was one of the oldest school's in Sydney but sadly in decline due to the changing demographics of the area and , as I was to find out, the peculiarities of the Principal.  Anyway I arrived and was shown into the computer room.  It was filled with about a dozen Apple computers all still in their boxes and not one of them set up!  I was given two hours to install the computers and have a lesson ready for the Year 5 & 6 children.

If you have ever seen the movie 'To Sir, With Love' then you will have an understanding of the type of school and children I was dealing with.  Although much younger than the movie students, these kids were all from dysfunctional, welfare families and almost as street wise as I was.  Thankfully the class teacher stayed with me for my first few lessons, helping me with controlling the class - she would become a great friend and mentor in the following years.  I wasn't perfect, I wasn't that organized, but I instantly had an empathy with the kids and knew how to deal with them.  Within a few days I was a hit with them all and my 4 hours a day stint became a full time position, filling in for the two teachers who ran an entire school (of about 60 students) and covering for the Principal who didn't want to spend anytime in the classroom.

I spent the next two terms there and not only enjoyed the experience but really gained an enormous amount of skill and knowledge. Not only in teaching but also in social welfare.  I soon found out that I wasn't only dealing with the kids at school, but quite often got caught up in family issues after school as I was part of the community and could hardly walk out my front door without bumping into the kids or parents - they all had issues and I became a big part of their lives in helping them deal with those issues.  It was not only rewarding but a great way to escape from the depression and loneliness I was feeling.

The parents and kids knew I was gay, knew I got stoned (never during the teaching day) every afternoon and they all accepted me for being a nice, caring person.  Suddenly I wasn't some stoned poofter who had to hide my lifestyle but just another one of them who happened to be a positive influence on their children's and their lives. They didn't condemn and neither did I.

I was able to cut down my Taxi job to Friday, Saturday and Sunday nights where I was working purely with the 'Disabled Taxi Service, and getting a guaranteed full weeks employment at the school on casual wages, which were amazingly high.  Suddenly I had money, a sense of self worth, and more free time on my hands than I had had in the past 3 years.

I finished school at 3pm and was home by 3.30 at the latest.  A half dozen cones and then I was off to the local park with my dog for the next hour, often joined by some of my class members or their parents.  It was an abandoned velodrome, one I remembered going to in my early childhood, but now derelict and lost behind narrow lanes and the backs of warehouses.  It was a wonderful place where I could let both my dog and my imagination run free.

Matty and Christine didn't get home from work until 5.30pm.  I had ample time, between cones smoked blatantly in any part of the house I wanted, before the returned and I made sure that not only was the house cleaned but dinner was being prepared.  It became easy to play the part of the caring, sharing house-mate and then, with the excuse of having school work to do, retire to my wonderful bedroom to get stoned before heading out for some sexual gratification.  It truly was a double if not triple life I was leading.

Matty was just a small part of my life finally.  Deep down I wanted it to be more, but also I realised that finally after all these years the pressure was off me.  I was no longer the target for his abuse, and to be honest I did everything I could to make him realize how amazing I was.  Working two jobs, cleaning and cooking for both him and his girlfriend, and never complaining about the restrictions they had placed upon me.  I always had a smile on my face, a friendly word for Christine and would still jump if he asked me to do him a favour.

Of course things couldn't remain being as idealistic as they seemed.  One of the issues I had with Matty was that I knew he had not told her that he was HIV positive.  He had assured me that he always practised safe sex with her and strictly it was none of my business.  Until he started becoming sick again,

Towards the end of the year he started getting sick.  Nothing he could really put a name to, but just the odd day of feeling 'off colour'.  When this started becoming a regular pattern I went with him to the hospital HIV ward where they started running tests.  It would take numerous tests and almost 3 weeks before the doctors diagnosed Matty as having Pneumonia.

Now just like me you are all imagining Pneumonia as a lung disease, common with the Victorian Era and damp terrace houses and the poverty stricken working class.  Unfortunately for the beautiful Matty we were to find out that Pneumonia is actually an organ disease, most commonly associated with the lungs but not always.  In his case he had developed a Pneumatic infection in the skin - the skin is the largest organ is the human body.  Basically it would slowly start taking the form of a pustulous swelling on his neck which grew bigger and bigger as the weeks went past.

There was no way we could hide this from Christine.  After being giving the diagnosis and the expectations of the symptoms he could expect we both knew that she had to be told the truth.  Matty of course dealt with it in his own peculiar way.  Back home he sat with me for the first time in months and got stoned.  He already knew that he would have to ring work and ask for sick leave, which, with the doctor's diagnosis was readily given to him, along with the promise that his job was open whenever he was ready to return.

I prepared the way that evening.  The house cleaned, dinner cooked and ready to serve and shut myself in my bedroom to allow him and Christine to talk.  I don't know what was said but she had only been in the house for about 15 minutes before he started yelling and shouting at her that he didn't want to see her any more and she had to 'get out now'.

How can you justify feeling smugly satisfied at someone else's tragic expense?  I really don't believe he even explained his predicament to her.  Rather he just became angry and aggressive and demanded that she get out of the house.  The poor thing didn't even have time to pack her belongings.  With the sound of her sobbing and pleading, plus the obvious sound of him hitting and dragging her up the hallway, I opened my bedroom door to find him carrying her over his shoulder and literally throwing her out the front door.

There was nothing I could do to stop it.  Not that I really tried.  Here was the ultimate proof that Matty could not really exist without me.  No matter how hard he fought it, how hard he pretended to be straight, I was the one person he truly loved and needed.

If only I knew how hard the next 6 months would be I may have acted differently.......