LEARNING DAZE.... (part 3)

I was hiding in a room in my mind.
They made me look at myself. I saw it well.
I'd shut the people out of my life.

So now I take the opportunities:
Wonderful teachers ready to teach me.
I must work on my mind. For now I realise..
Everyone of us has a heaven inside.

1994 was a year of real learning for me.  I learned that I could teach and I learned that I could love unconditionally.  I also learned that I could start controlling my behaviours and start making positive changes.

I had one day to myself after finishing my nightmare term at Belmore North Public School.  It was Saturday and I spent the day relaxing with my dog - going for a long early morning walk- and then getting stoned before heading off to do my shift at Taxi's Combined operating the Disabled Transport Radio service.  Home at midnight and getting stoned again before going to sleep thinking I had at least two blissful weeks to myself before I had to make any decisions about my career.

I was awoken suddenly around 4am when Matty came bursting into my room.  My initial reaction was that he was going to hit me and I screamed at him to get out or I would call the police.  When he just stood there and started sobbing I realised something was horribly wrong with him.

Stumbling towards him to switch on the bedroom light he grabbed me and fell into my arms crying.  Besides his wet tears there was something warm and sticky sliding down my face.  Turning the light on I realised that Matty's lump had burst open and was seeping a mix of blood and pus down his neck.  The hole wasn't big but the discharge was.  Vile smelling and literally pouring down his body.  I managed to get him to the bathroom where I used hot water and a hand towel to clean him up and stay the noxious flow.

While waiting for the ambulance to arrive I managed to wrap a sterilized gauze bandage around his neck which seemed to help.  Arriving at the hospital, which was thankfully only a 5 minute drive away Matty was immediately taken to the palliative care unit where the doctors wasted no time in putting him onto a drip, before giving him a local anaesthetic and attacking the discharge with a plastic pump.

I was there throughout the whole horrific procedure, holding his hand and re-assuring him that everything would be okay.  Looking at his horror stricken face and seeing the raw septic flesh being sucked and scraped didn't make me think that it would all be okay.  30 minutes later and they had finished the procedure and administered a sedative into his drip before wheeling him back to a private room where he fell asleep.

I was due to start at the taxi company for my usual Sunday 7am radio shift.  I had to ring them and cancel.  The company is still operating today and now is a good opportunity to say how grateful I was to them and still am for being so wonderful both to me and Matty during this and later times.  With Matty asleep and the doctors assuring me that he would be knocked out for at least 8 hours I headed home.

I couldn't do much sitting there just watching him sleep.  I had my dog to worry about and I needed to be alone and try and deal with what was happening.  As usual I hit the marijuana and then as the sun was coming up I headed out with my dog to the solitude of the old velodrome, where I let my dog run free while I sobbed my heart out.  Back at home I decided to ring Christine.  She was the one person who truly knew what I was going through and the one person I could talk openly with.  She was there in less than an hour.

She let me cry and cry and cry - this was one of the rare times when I had let someone into my life and exposed my self.  Totally vulnerable, feeling hopeless, feeling hurt and knowing that as much as I loved Matty, that he could never allow himself to admit to the same feelings.  I had to admit to myself that I had created my own complex reality and nothing could change that.  I didn't sleep all that day and while I sat bonging and crying Christine took charge of cleaning up the house and cooking dinner for both of us.  At 5pm the hospital rang to say that Matty was awake and had recovered but would be kept in for observation for one more night.

Christine drove me to the hospital and when we arrived I asked her to come with me to see Matty.  It was time for me to start letting go and for him to patch up the wrong he had done to her. I was ready to face the consequences whether they be good or bad.

Surprisingly Matty's reaction was totally the opposite of what I expected.  Although weak and still under the influence of the pain medication he seemed genuinely happy to see Christine.  After making sure he was okay I asked him if he wanted some time with her alone to which he agreed.  When I returned, it was hard to see her sitting beside his bed holding his hand and see Matty smiling.  It was the right thing to do.  He now not only had one person who loved him but two.

Two weeks later he was back at work and looking as if nothing had happened.

In the meantime I had been offered another teaching term at Glebe Public School.  Initially I was told that I would be doing four and a half days (Monday to Friday lunchtime) covering for the class teacher's allotted weekly time off.  On the first morning of term I arrived and was ushered into the principals office.  Here I was told that I was actually going to be working 4 days a week assisting the I.O class and half a day covering my old supervisors Year 6 class.

I.O classes are for 'moderately to severely' mentally challenged children.  This was going to be a repeat of what I had just spent the previous term failing at!  Obviously the shock on my face was readable but the Principal assured me that 'not only was this what I needed after my prior experience' but also that ' I would have help and support'.  Another person I need to thank for throwing me a lifeline when I most needed it.

Totally in contrast to Belmore, the I.O class at Glebe was wonderful.  It was a combined class of children from 5 to 12 years old and run by two truly beautiful ladies.  They guided me and supported me throughout the term.  Leading me gently in the first few weeks until they (and I) were confident enough to let me take small groups to teach individually.  The children were also beautiful.

In the mornings I alternated between the younger and older groups, helping each teacher with basic English and Maths lessons and in the afternoons we came together and did Arts & Crafts and Music or Singing lessons or played classroom games.  Every Wednesday afternoon we took the children on bus trips into the city.  Going to museums, art galleries, The Botanic Gardens or through the shopping arcades.  Even though these events were repeated throughout the term, the children were thrilled every time.

On Friday mornings I joined in with the whole school sports program, taking two groups for 45 minutes of ball games, and in the middle period I had my old class (now in Year 6) back again for 90 minutes of Arts & Crafts lessons.  Occasionally I filled in for other teacher's when they were sick and this gave me back the confidence that I had lost the previous term.  I was the 'cool teacher' at the school and even on my 3 playground duties during the week I can't recall a bad moment.  I was loving every minute of it.

Even though Matty was now working back at Taxi's Combined from 9 -5 and seemingly in a healthy period of his HIV, he was exhausted by the time he got home.  I would be home by 3.30pm and already have taken my gorgeous dog for his daily walk and be preparing dinner for him by the time he arrived.  We started having a 'normal' life together.  I was still smoking pot (something that would take me another 15 years to end) but found that with the contentment of my life I was smoking a lot less than previously.

For most people it would still have been considered heavy smoking, but for me it was a surprise to suddenly realise that I could carry on daily activities without having to reach for a bong before doing them.  I basically managed to cut down from smoking $20+ a night to making the same amount last 2-3 days, only smoking after dinner and before bed. After 10 years of constant, heavy smoking it was both a physical and mental plus for me.

Matty stayed 'healthy' for nearly 3 months.  In that time we were almost the same couple we had been when we first met, happy together and sharing our lives.  When he started becoming sick again it was obvious that it was serious and he was on a downhill slide.  The next chapter of my life was about to begin.....