IN BETWEEN DAZE.....(part 2).

You can bend but never break me
'Cause it only serves to make me
More determined to achieve my final goal
And I come back even stronger
Not a novice any longer
'Cause you've deepened the conviction in my soul

Oh yes, I am wise
But it's wisdom born of pain
Yes, I've paid the price
But look how much I gained
If I have to, I can do anything
I am strong...

The glory days of life with Matty would only last for 6 months.  In that time I became stronger and re-gained my self esteem.  I was excelling at my new job and within a few months I was promoted to shift supervisor for two nights a week and on Friday and Saturday nights taught how to operate the 'Disabled Taxi' service.

This was an incredible job.  I not only had to manage to allocate driver's jobs using the radio but also speak with some of the wonderful clients who used our service.  It made me realize that I was lucky and had no reason to complain about my circumstances.  Here I was dealing with people who couldn't walk, couldn't do any of the things I took for granted, but managed to enjoy their lives to the maximum.  The drivers and the customers soon became like family to me and even 25 years on I still remember their voices clearly.

We made great friends on the job and our house became a regular nightly stop-over for many of our co-workers.  There was hardly a night went past without 2 or 3 colleagues dropping over after our shift to smoke pot and enjoy de-stressing after a hectic and monotonous night.  It was here that I would make some of my best friends for the next 10 years.

In my free time I was enjoying the domesticity of living a normal life.  Free of Matty's bullying, free of the dramas of prostitution and basically free to just enjoy being me.  I loved the suburb we lived in, with it's quirky architecture and, at the time, almost quiet suburban feel.  Every house was unique, the streets were tree lined and full of history.  I had numerous parks to walk my dog in and finally began to feel that life was turning a corner.

It was the Spring of 1989 and two memorable incidents occurred.  The first being the 'Newcastle Earthquake'.  I recall the moment as if it were yesterday.  It was shortly after 11am and I remember asking Matty 'what is that rumbling sound? Is it a truck?'  He laughed and said something about an earthquake.  Within seconds the whole house was shaking and twisting and I was standing under the door frame clutching my dog while Matty laughed.  Being a New Zealander he was used to regular earthquakes.  I was shitting myself watching the walls and ceiling all moving in different directions.  Amazingly, although the quake centre was nearly 200km away our house actually suffered some slight structural damage - the front wall cracked and our outside toilet wall also gained a huge crack.  

More tragically,  that was only a few months before my brother in law died in a tragic accident.  This was the one who had advised me to 'do something with my life'.  He had been repairing an old car at home.  Instead of using a car jack to lift the car he had mounted the back of the car on bricks.  For whatever reason, the bricks toppled and he was pinned beneath the car.  We don't know how many hours later it was before my 5 year old niece found him crushed but still alive.  By the time the ambulance arrived he was already dead.

This affected me in a big way.  He was the one person (possibly the only person) who had ever shown any care or concern for me.  I had made him a promise and I was determined to uphold that promise.  Working for a taxi company, no matter how much better it was than being a prostitute was not going to get me anywhere.  It was a job that paid the bills but had few prospects.

2 months later and I attended the Sydney University Open Day for late enrolments.  the Uni was only about 15 minutes walk away and I had made a decision to make something of my life.  By the end of the day I had enrolled in a Bachelor of Primary Teaching.  I had completed Year 12 of high school and being a 'mature age' student there was no other qualification required.  The courses would start in March.......

The Taxi Company were absolutely wonderful in supporting me.  My Uni time-table meant that I had to change my shifts to accommodate the lectures.  As most of my taxi shifts were in the evening it required a little shuffling and leeway on the part of the company.  My Monday and Tuesday supervisor shifts were changed so I could start at 5pm and then I worked the other 3 shifts on Friday & Saturday nights finishing at 11pm.  On Sunday mornings I had to do a 7am to 3pm shift.  It was a little taxing but I was determined to better myself so the sacrifices were worth it.

The hardest thing was to return to a school environment.  Apart from my one year at Secretarial College I had no other learning experiences.  All the other students were High School graduates so I (apart from 3 other older students who dropped out at the end of the first semester) was the oldest in our group.  I quickly made some great friends who were more than happy to help me.  I have to admit that I really had no idea of what was required.  In the 10 years since I had finished High School it seemed that a lot had changed.

So I juggled Uni, work, running a house, caring for a dog, and most importantly caring for Matty.  It seemed that my whole life was non - stop.  I had Wednesday and Thursday nights free but my Uni classes didn't finish until 5pm on those days so I had to return home, walk the dog, get dinner ready for Matty and do any domestic chores required. Matty had at this stage been promoted to an executive position in the company working from 9am to 5pm.  It was a role he was made for - being the Disciplinary Manager and Complaints Manager for taxi drivers who had been found to be at fault in customer dealings.

While Matty had been excelling in his new found career he was at his best.  He was in a higher position than me and took every opportunity to remind me of it.  Often he would take it upon himself to personally chastise me in the 'Radio Room' over any little error I had made during my shifts.  This was until I complained to the CEO of the company and asked why Matty was performing the role of my supervisor.  Naturally Matty was not happy and when I returned home from my shift he was waiting for me.  A few quick punches to the stomach satisfied him.

At other times he would leave the office at 5pm and make a big show of coming over to me and kissing me goodbye before he left.  When his mother died a few months later he returned to New Zealand to attend her funeral.  When he returned he spent some of his inheritance money to buy me a 'surprise' present.  A motor scooter so that I could travel to Uni and work more easily - avoiding the long walks to lectures and having to rely on public transport to get me to and from work.

By the end of the first semester ( I was positive he didn't think I would make it beyond that) his tactics changed.  Suddenly he was aware that I was succeeding without him.  I was getting above average grades at Uni and my abilities at the Taxi Company were recognized by the top brass.  I held the record for being able to complete a booking in the fastest recorded time and I was constantly getting praise from my 'disabled' clients which were directed at the management.

During my second semester he started dating girls from the company.  He was very cunning in the way he went about this.  My shift finished at 11pm and on many occasions as I was about to leave one of the girls would say 'I'll be coming home with you, Matty has invited me over'.  So I would be forced to bring the girl home, sit for at least an hour or so (smoking pot naturally) and then go to bed.  My room was right next to the lounge room so I was able to hear every noise.  Sometimes Matty would continue till the early hours - having slept earlier in the evening.

It was a strange situation.  On one hand Matty made it quite clear to all that he and I were an item.  On the other hand he had no hesitation in bedding half the female staff in the company while I was in my room.  None of these liaisons lasted more than a night or two but he pushed it in my face as often as he had the chance.  Then out of the blue he would decide to sleep with me.  He kept me dangling and hopeful that we really had something.  On my part I just believed that he was confused with his sexuality and that eventually he would accept that he loved me (and I believe he did) and we would live happily ever after.

Of course I should have known better.  This would be the pattern of our lives for the next 4 and a half years.  One night he invited half a dozen of our work colleagues home after our shift.  He not only insisted that I prepare food for our 'guests' but also demanded that I had his work uniform ironed for the following day.  I put on my smiling face and complied with all his wishes.  I enjoyed an hour or so with our friends and then said I had to go to bed as I had an early lecture in the morning.

2 hours later and the party was raging.  I couldn't sleep because of the music and laughter coming from the next room and eventually I went out and politely asked if they could keep it down so I could sleep.  Matty was all charm and apologies.  The noise was turned down and I had almost gotten to sleep when my bedroom door was opened.

'I'm just coming to say sorry', Matty said so all our friends could hear.  Then he closed the bedroom door and approached me with his arms open as if to embrace me. Before I could react he had one hand over my nose and mouth while he used his other hand to punch me over and over again in the chest.  When he was finished I knew enough to keep quiet.  He returned to our guests the music went up the chatting and laughter continued and I silently cried myself to sleep.

There would be many more nights like this which I learned either to endure or to react to - which was always the wrong move as then the beatings would be much worse.  I was a fool to myself, but to ashamed and too proud to admit my mistakes.  I kept thinking that eventually things would get better.  Of course they didn't it just became a never ending circle of love and violence which I could never predict.  Thankfully by the end of that year I had the opportunity to lessen my exposure to Matty although it came at the cost of 'our relationship'........