CHANGING DAZE....(part 3)

'Cause I've heard it all before
And I've been down there on the floor
No one's ever gonna keep me down again

Oh yes, I am wise
But it's wisdom born of pain
Yes, I've paid the price
But look how much I gained
If I have to, I can do anything
I am strong

So inevitably change came in unexpected ways. 

 

I always loved Matty, but at times he terrified me and made me hate him. There had been many occasions when I truly wished that he would just die.  Then of course guilt set in and he would be his loving, kind and generous self and my feelings would change.  Bullies always have a way of making you believe that you are the antagonist rather than the protagonist.

 

One night I returned home after a full day at university and an evening shift at the taxi company.  The house stank of smoke and I walked in to find Matty asleep in the lounge and a pan of oil burning furiously in the kitchen.  Smoke and soot were filling the house and it was only by luck that I arrived early enough to stop the kitchen from catching fire.

 

 

 

With the fire under control and the smoke clearing I woke Matty and probably yelled at him - I don't really remember.  The next thing I knew he was laying into me, punches flying and him telling me that it was my fault!   I'm not sure how he justified that to himself but it was may fault anyway.  I spent an hour trying to clear the blackened kitchen cabinets and when I realised that no amount of scrubbing was going to clean the smoke and soot marks I told him that we would have to report it to the Real Estate Agent.

He grabbed my by the hair and slammed my head against the cupboard, telling me that I had to have it clean before I went to sleep.  So I spent an hour quietly cleaning and when I was sure he was asleep I stopped and went to bed.  In the morning, after only about 4 hours sleep I woke up and began trying to clean again.  Matty woke up, full of apologies and kisses and told me he would fix it as he had decided to take the day off work.

I said I would help him.  Amazingly he started at me again demanding that I go to my university class.  I was stunned.  Bruised, battered and with a large graze running across my forehead from where he had slammed my face into the cupboard, the last thing I wanted was for anyone to see me.  He virtually pushed me out of the door and threatened to ring my lecturer to make sure I attended.  If I hadn't attended I knew what to expect.

 

So I went.  Thankfully it was a practical class not a lecture and ironically it was a Child Psychology class.  Giving excuses of having fallen off my motorbike I got through the 2 hour lesson.  When it was over the lecturer asked me to stay behind.  She was very direct and asked me who had hit me.  When I repeated my made up story she quietly put her arms around me.  At this point I fell to pieces and told her the whole story. Her advice was the turning point in my relationship with Matty.

Finally having someone to talk to and someone who assured me that the only fault I had was in putting up with the beatings and that I was the victim gave me a new outlook on the reality of my life.

The next time Matty hit me would earn a different reaction from me.  Again I had returned home from work and Matty was awake.  When I sat down to have bong he jumped up and grabbed it from me. 'Why haven't you ironed my uniform for the morning?'......this time I refused to cower and jump to his demands.  'I have been at uni all day and then worked 6 hours, I will iron your uniform but not until I have had a few cones', was my reply.

Matty wasn't sure how to react to this.  We shared a few cones and then Matty said he was going to bed.  I didn't have uni the following morning so I continued smoking, enjoying the solitude and the joy of just doing nothing for the first time all day.  Suddenly he was out of the room and on seeing his ironing still not done he grabbed me by the hair and dragged me out to the kitchen.

 

 

Demanding that I iron immediately he picked up the iron and swung it at my head.  The blow was stunning.  I hit the wall and saw stars, I could feel something warm trickling down my face, obviously my own blood.  Senseless to my pain and shock he plugged the iron in and told me to have his uniform ironed  immediately.  I picked my self up and began ironing.  Matty left me and went back to the lounge room.  As I was ironing I could hear him tell me I had 4 minutes to finish, 3 minutes to finish.....

I made a snap decision.  The kitchen door which led outside was open. I quietly stepped outside and gingerly opened the back gate.  Then I ran as fast as I could up the street.  Terrified that he would follow me I zig-zagged my way up hill through the narrow lanes and back streets until I reached the Newtown Police Station.

I didn't have the courage to go in.  Sitting instead on the park bench just one house away from the station.  It was 1am and the streets were deserted.  I didn't quite trust the police to take my complaint seriously - it was still a time when gays were treated with indifference and intolerance.  So I sat and sat, I cried, I tried to pluck up the courage to end it all and simply walk inside the Police Station and have Matty arrested for assault.  I couldn't.

Of course, he eventually appeared, walking calmly towards me with his arms outstretched.  I jumped and started towards the station.  He gently called my name and asked me to just speak with him.  I did.  He promised to never hit me again, promised to treat me with respect, asked me for another chance.  I told him that he only had one more chance and that if it happened again I would have him arrested.

We walked home, we smoked bongs, he kept apologizing, we slept together for the first time in months.  The following day he did all the housework, cooked dinner and even packed cones for me.  In fact he did everything that he would normally have demanded of me.  It seemed things were changing after all.

The next change came only a few weeks later.  The owners of our rented house were returning from England and wanted to move into the house.  We still had a 3 month rental contract but the estate agent assured us that not only would they refund our bond in full but they also had another house available which we could view.

The house was directly opposite where we were living, across the street and one house down.  It was a beautiful Federation house, much bigger than the one we were currently in and much nicer (on first look).  It was $60 more than our current rent but we decided we could afford it and moved in.

Never move two houses away!  Not only will the removal companies refuse to do the job, but having to move your entire house across the road is a nightmare.  We literally carried every stick of furniture from one house to the other.  It was a 12 hour ordeal, fuelled by lots of speed and marijuana breaks.

The house was lovely.  Two large bedrooms at the front, a long corridor leading to a large lounge which had beautifully moulded cathedral ceilings, another large reception room behind that which had a small outside side balcony area, and a modern kitchen and bathroom at the back.  The garden at the back was small but beautifully planted on the sides with a small grass patch in the middle, at the end of the property was a huge double garage which could be entered from the back lane.

Matty let me have the front bedroom, which had a huge bay window where I could fit my double bed.  Leaving me a whole room to put a lounge and coffee table in facing the ornate, working fireplace.  This was to become my sanctuary as other factors soon arose which  caused life changes.

 

Matty had started regularly dating one of the girls from the taxi company.  She was a lovely girl but very plain looking and very old - fashioned.  Totally unlike any of the people we would normally mix with.  Even though I was used to Matty's constant switching from having a relationship with me to having sex with girls, I was mortified that this boring, ugly girl was taking my place in his affections.  It was a big dent to my ego and my reaction was to start retreating into my bedroom or simply spend time out of the house whenever she was there.

 

 

Within a few months Matty had asked her to move in with us.  He didn't consult me but explained that it would be cheaper with 3 of us sharing, and he needed someone who would take care of him as I was always busy with work and uni.  I had never stopped taking care of him.  I did all the housework, the washing, the cooking.  If I was working in the evening then I always had food prepared for him to heat up for his dinner.......

 

At that stage he had been relatively healthy for some months.  His T-cell count was high and he had had few health problems. Initially I was angry but hid my anger as best I could.  Sitting alone in my 'sanctuary' it dawned upon me, in a stoned moment, that with Christine there he would have another person to take his anger out on instead of me.  It was a very selfish and uncharitable decision but I decided to make the most of it while I could. 

 

So Christine moved in with us.  For a few weeks life was normal and followed our usual routine.  Slowly things began to change and a new stage of my life was beginning.