DARK DAZE.....(part 3)

You had the grace to hold yourself
While those around you crawled
They crawled out of the woodwork
And they whispered into your brain
They set you on the treadmill
And they made you change your name
And it seems to me you lived your life
Like a candle in the wind
Never knowing who to cling to
When the rain set in

And that's how it seemed in the months following my arrest.  While only Matty and Betty knew what had happened neither of them were  there for me when I really needed them.

Matty would get angry when I fell into depression and tried to explain my fears for my future.  I guess he felt guilty and didn't want to be reminded that it was his actions that had gotten me into  the situation.  Likewise with Betty.  Not only that but one of the reasons I loved Betty so much was because of his optimism and happy go lucky nature.  When I really needed someone to sympathise with me and hold me, Betty would laugh it off and in his typical, outback Australian style say 'it'll be right love'!

My only solace and time for reflection was when I was out alone with my beautiful cocker spaniel.  We would walk for miles around Iron Cove - one of the bays in Sydney Harbour which my suburb fronted onto.  Here I could think, breathe and enjoy both the solitude of our long walks through the parks and along the water and pretend that I was a 'normal person'.  My dog Toby was my only truly faithful companion who never left my side or hurt me.

I was working harder and longer hours than ever before.  Covering 8 shifts and also doing most of the running for the new parlour.  I was organizing the rosters and staff for there and on busy nights constantly juggling boys and drivers between parlours.  I also had their laundry to do as although Colin was supposed to bring it back with him on his shifts at Brett's, he always managed to bring it on the day when I took over from him claiming that he had been too busy to get it done.

I was smoking marijuana and taking cocaine in outrageous quantities.  I look back and don't know how I did it.  Here I was facing a two year stint in prison yet managing not only to run the busiest gay brothel in Sydney but also to maintain a professional manner which was recognized by clients not only in Sydney but from around the world.  All the time I was terrified and living in a drug induced haze.

The life - changing event came, just like everything seemed to in my life, when I was feeling 'on top of the world'.  It was a busy Saturday night.  I had been working since 4pm Friday afternoon and probably had less than 3 hours sleep.  Both parlours were flat out and in the middle of it all I get a phone call from Colin saying that he needed Matty to drive one of the boys to an out call in a suburb about 30 kms away.

It was about two hours later, in the busiest of times that night, and I started to get phone  calls from the boy I had thrown out for sharing a needle with Matty.  He was still working at the other parlour and I knew that he still had it in for me.  So when he started to tell me that Matty was there with Louise having sex with her I initially laughed it off.  Not that Matty wouldn't have said no, but I just thought the boy was trying to make me jealous.  Everyone knew how much I loved Matty and how jealous I was of anyone trying to make a pass at him - and god knows they did.

The calls continued on and off for the next 2 hours.  When the phone rang I never knew if it was a client or the boy again trying to upset me. By this time Matty had been away for over 4 hours and I started having suspicions.  I was flat out with clients and phone calls and the last thing I needed was the annoyance of this boy trying to upset me.  I rang Colin to complain and he calmly told me that Louise and Matty were both drunk and in one of the rooms together.

This was the last straw.  Betty was there and was goading me to go over and sort out the issue.  One of the other boys was also happy to go with me and help out.  By this time I had decided that both the boy and Colin were lying but was so furious that I wanted to teach them a lesson.  I had a key for the parlour, so with one of the boys I grabbed a taxi and we headed over.

The parlour was on a busy main road above a set of shops with a street entrance door and a long, steep flight of stairs leading the upstairs rooms.  No -one heard me coming.  I walked into the reception room only to find a group of boys, including Matty and Louise sitting calmly chatting and drinking whiskey.  I remember it was whiskey because it was this bottle which I picked up by it's neck, and after saying 'excuse me' to Louise swung it into the boys head and knocked him unconscious.

The shock in the room was stunning.  Nobody knew what to say or do, until I again swung the bottle, this time at Colin.  It was then that one of the bigger boys grabbed me and stopped me.  I managed to calm down and explain to Louise what had been happening all night and that not only was I upset about the allegations but I was also angry that the two boys had done their utmost to interrupt the parlour.  

Louise was cool and understanding.  While the other boys tended to the now conscious boy, who had a large cut on the side of his head, Louise took me aside and said she totally understood my reaction but that it was obviously not the best thing to do.  She asked me if I wanted to go home and let Betty finish my shift but I said no.  So I went back to Brett's, feeling a whole lot better. Got really stoned with the young boy who had come to back me up and we had really wild sex.

The following day was quiet and although everyone knew what had happened, very little was said.  In fact all the boys went out of their way to keep off the topic, everyone bought grass for me, and I even had a phone call from Colin apologizing.  Like a fool I accepted his apology and even apologized back for trying to hit him.

I finished my shift and went home.  Betty was doing reception at Brett's that night and around 7pm rang me to see if Matty was free to do a driving job.  Matty left and I was alone watching TV and smoking a bong when I heard a car pull into our driveway.  When I heard not one but two doors closing I immediately became suspicious and walked up the hallway to check who was coming.

My bedroom door was open and as I neared the front door, I could see through my bedroom window 3 large shadowy figures moving quietly across the front porch.  I knew what was coming.  BANG!  The front door flew open and three enormous Maori thugs burst in and one of them pinned me against the wall.

They wanted to know if I was Ricky.  I told them that my name was Brett and that Ricky was out.  One of them hit me across the face and then they dragged me through the house checking every room.  Finding no - one they again asked me if I was Ricky.  Again I told them that Ricky had gone out and if they didn't believe me they could check the car-port and see that the car wasn't there.

This seemed to satisfy them and with one more hard slap across my face they left.  Shaking with fear but more concerned for my dog who was in the back yard barking wildly I headed out to comfort him.  BANG! The door flew open again and this time I had no escape.

The three 'thugs' were very professional.  First they told me that they knew I was Ricky as Louise was waiting outside in the car and confirmed my identity from their description.  Secondly they told me that although I had been very clever they were there to give me a beating.  One of them held a long plastic zip pull in his hand - the type that was used for starting lawn mowers.  It was made of hard plastic and had serrated teeth all along it.  When they went to grab me I told them that they didn't need to hold me.  I stood there and let them whip me across the face. Once, twice, three times.  It hurt like hell and I could feel the blood already starting to run down my face.

But I was to proud to show either fear or pain.  This probably saved me from a much worse beating and possibly life long disfigurement on my beautiful face.  After the third strike one of them asked if I had learnt my lesson.  'You've got guts' he said.  Ironically enough they even apologized for 'doing their job'!

They left as quickly as they came.  I was a total mess.  Panic stricken, in shock and immense pain.  My face had three jagged, bleeding cuts and my cheek was already beginning to swell and bruise from where they had slapped me.  It would be two long and terrifying hours before Matty returned.  By this time I had bathed myself and iced my bruises.  I had also smoked two mull bowls of marijuana and taken I don't know how many of Betty's Serapax.

I would never see Brett's again.  One life had already changed and two more were about to......

DARK DAZE.....(part 2).

My life is over and it doesn't matter how I cry.
My tears it seems are a waste of time.
Am I strong enough to see it through?
Those crazy days that I've been through.....

In the first few days after my arrest that's how my life seemed.  Suddenly, after years of living in total hedonism, where all pleasures were not only on offer, but also seemingly overlooked by the authorities, my lifestyle had caught up with me in a big way.

It didn't help when I contacted a very expensive and reputed Sydney solicitor.  After hearing my story he basically told me just what the police had said.  With my confession and the fact that Matty was a minor he said the best I could hope for would be 2 years incarceration in a supervised wing.  That meant I wouldn't be thrown in with the regular inmates but would get to serve my time with 'special prisoners' where my safety would be guaranteed as best as was possible


Ironically, I would be placed with Abe Saffron (who I was sure had been responsible for Billy's death all those years ago) and the nameless police officer who had already played a large part in my life - again connected to Billy's death.

In desperation I turned to the one person who could possibly help me.  Throughout my childhood my parents had been active members of one of the local political parties.  They not only joined the local branch but hosted fundraising parties and at every election, both state and federal, were actively handing out pamphlets to gain voters.  I had helped them on many occasions.

Even more ironic was that the man I chose to turn to had been having a 'platonic' relationship with my mother and even at the time this was still going on.  I had no idea of this and it wasn't until this year (almost 30 years later) that I found out this information from my Aunty.

All this time I had been the one member of the family living a double life, deceiving people as to my lifestyle and thinking I was the black sheep!  My mother had done it so well.  I can clearly remember in my early teenage years when we all (my sisters and I) thought mum was getting close to our local state representative.  He was always at our house, helping host parties and carrying on such a close friendship with my mother that even my father began to question her.

It turned out that this was a clever front played perfectly by mother and by our Federal member (who late went on to become a Frontbencher in the government).  The relationship lasted for years and it was only this man's fear of my father that apparently prevented him from leaving his wife and becoming my mothers lover!

So I rang his office and made an appointment to see him.  It was the first time in at least 6 years I had seen him . Matty and I arrived and I was in such a state of both distress, fear and humiliation that I couldn't even speak.  He let Matty do all the talking.  He wasn't impressed, in fact he was very angry with me, but promised to do what he could to help.  The only condition was that he would ring my parents and tell them what I had done.

Back home I waited for the call from my parents. Now, knowing what I know about my mother and this man, I realize why I was so shocked at my parents unexpected reaction.

All my life I had been used to my father blowing up for the slightest reason, using his fists and words to hurt us.  My mother was always the one who tried to rationalize the situation and calm things down.  I got a totally opposite reaction.  After receiving a bitter and hurtful response from my mother- who was ready to disown me, my father eventually took the phone and calmly told me he was very disappointed but 'what was done was done' and we had to work out the best solution.  Between him and the 'politician' we arranged a new solicitor who was much more understanding and positive about what outcomes could be achieved.

So for the next year I followed my new solicitors instructions. I applied for unemployment benefits and regularly attended the social security offices each week - superficially so it looked like I was keen to get 'legal employment'.  Three times a week I had to report to the local police station to sign as part of my bail conditions.

Luckily the days for reporting were all days when I was not rostered at Brett's.  So I used to walk my dog the 2km and back to the station to sign in.  I left the dog tied outside on the police station fence and within weeks the police were giving him treats each time I arrived. 

 Out of all the people who could have supported me I can honestly say that the then serving officers at Leichhardt Police Station were the most supportive and friendly.  Even on my last visit before my sentencing they all wished me well and showed me their report which basically stated that I had always attended as per my bail conditions and also that in their opinion 'Richard was a decent young man who had gone off the tracks due to his family and personal past and that they could see no reason to believe he would repeat this offence, nor did he pose any threat to society'.

It's amazing how some things stick in your head forever.  I must have looked pathetic on that day.  Walking back home with my dog, tears streaming down my face, wishing that it was the Leichhardt police who would sentence me.

Of course I hadn't changed my lifestyle at all.  In fact my coping strategy was to become even more drug and sex dependant during the time I was awaiting trial.
Louise had opened a new parlour which was basically a B&D parlour for gay men.  She gave Colin the job of managing and Brett took over the extra shifts.  They both still worked at Brett's boys but Louise took them off two shifts and gave me these to cover.  Luckily with an increased wage which I desperately needed to cover my solicitors expenses.

So now I was working 8 out of 14 twelve hour shifts a week.  Brett's was my little baby.  My home away from home.  My source of income, both from my amazing wage (not too mention client tips) and the increase in the amount of marijuana we were all now smoking (and the boys buying from me).  I was spending more time there than at home. New boys were coming daily to ask for work and I had sex with nearly every one of them.  Those I didn't think suitable were sent on to the new parlour.

Matty who now was working in a regular 9 - 5 job would visit each evening I was there.  I would duck out in the early afternoon on my double shifts to buy food which I cooked there.  Quite often cooking for the other boys as well.  It was during one of these outings when I returned to find Matty and one of the new boys shooting up speed in the back room.

I have stated earlier that I believed I had psychic abilities and this was another of those times when deep down I could see the outcome, or so I thought.  The boy, I knew was a heroin addict, but he had been hired on the proviso that he wouldn't use while at work.  For the 2 or so weeks he had been at Brett's he had kept his promise and turned up for every shift straight.  He was happy to spend $20 or $40 on marijuana to get him through his shift.

With this dreaded premonition I reacted in the only way I could.  I slapped Matty hard across the face and grabbed the needle and speed and threw them out onto the street.  The boy I told to get out and not come back.

Less than two hours later Louise was around wanting to know what had happened.  When I told her she said the boy had immediately gone to the new parlour, where Colin had given him a job, claiming that I had hit him and thrown him out because he had brought marijuana onto the premises and that I had told him only I was allowed to deal drugs at Brett's.

On speaking to the other workers, Louise said she believed my side of the story but had to confirm it (even though she said she hadn't believed the boy originally).

It's amazing how one incident can have such a dramatic impact upon your life.  One minute I was out innocently shopping for dinner only to return to a crisis that would turn out to be life shattering.  In one way which I had foreseen, but in anther way that I was totally unprepared for and that would change my life in ways that I could never imagine....... in fact it would change 3 lives forever!