REFLECTIVE DAZE.

Do you know where you're going to
Do you like the things that life is showing you
Where are you going to
Do you know

Do you get
What you're hoping for
When you look behind you
There's no open doors
What are you hoping for
Do you know

 It's time to stop  and do some reflecting and also to put some perspective into this blog. I don't want this to sound like a homage to drug taking, which it is beginning to.  Rather it is an honest reflection on my life, of which drugs would play a major role for nearly 30 years.

From 1982 until 1996 I had dabbled into pretty much every drug on offer but had never overdone any of them except marijuana.  Besides the cost of other drugs I was also aware of the bad side effects they were purported to have.  My experiences with drug users in my early years reflected this opinion.  I didn't want to end up with my health shattered and looking like a walking skeleton.  So for those reasons I only ever dabbled in heavier drugs very occasionally and purely for recreational purposes.

Why then my fixation for marijuana?  I had for years been what the Americans would term 'a stoner'.  Never far from a joint or bong and totally unable to go without for even one day.  The euphoric effects of smoking dope are coupled with an acute sense of self - consciousness and the feeling that your actions are being monitored by other people - possibly why dope smoking is not a 'social type' activity and is usually done with a close group of fellow smokers or alone.

Why also my inability to curb my dope smoking and to smoke such large quantities? Why had I let it totally control my life and actions?  Why had I let it cause me so many problems and why couldn't I see that it was at the root of my problems?  Why then did I finally, after 18 years, did I take the next step and delve into the world of amphetamines? Letting them take almost total control of my life, to the point where my health was in serious danger.

Sitting here today after nearly 6 years of being totally drug free it is amazing to reflect back on how addicted I was and how I was totally unable to control my habit.  Was it purely physical addiction or was it something deep-rooted in my psychological make-up?  I'm no expert but I would have to say that it was a combination of the two - I definitely have an addictive personality and I definitely was unable to physically go without drugs without suffering sever withdrawal symptoms.

Your childhood perceptions are all subjective but I believe form a very large role in how you adapt to adult life.  I always see my childhood as being one of happy but spartan times.  One of my earliest school memories is when I was about 6.  I don't remember the occasion but it was a 'special' day at school and we were allowed to bring a 'party lunch' from home.

We were all very excited and couldn't wait until lunchtime to open our treats.  When it came I remember watching all the other children eating fairy bread, sausage rolls, cakes, toffee apples and biscuits which their mothers had lovingly packed for them.  I can still feel the embarrassment and shame of 'being a poor kid' as I unwrapped and ate my jam sandwich.

These feelings of 'being a poor kid' were only emphasized by  my mothers refusal to mix with people of our own socio-economic status and try and be part of a social group who were not only wealthier but also who made us acutely aware of our economic status. I was constantly watching other kids playing with the latest toys, when I only had my sisters hand me down dolls to play with, swimming in their in-ground pools, when all I had was the creek in the bush and hearing them talk about all the places they had been on holidays, when all I got to do was go camping in a second hand tent in the bush.

My parents constant scrimping and scraping would, I think, be a major reason why I refused to go without in later life and spent money as quickly as I earned it.

My addictive personality emerged at an early age.  For someone who had nothing, when I did get something which I enjoyed then I would enjoy it to the max. Occasionally my father would join in on the grocery shopping.  We relished these rare family days.  Unlike my mother who bought, rote-like, the cheapest and most predictable grocery items, my father would always throw in 'exotic' meats and fruits and cheeses and wonder of wonders - chocolate biscuits!  Once home the biscuits would be stored away in the cupboard only to be taken out for special occasions.


From an early age I would wait and wait and wait for that special occasion.  Greedily eyeing the unopened packet of biscuits until I could stand it no longer.  Given the opportunity of being alone I would invariably raid the cupboard and find a hiding spot where I would eat the entire packet in one sitting.  Sickness from over-eating or the knowledge that I would be found out and thrashed severely did not deter me.  The taste of 'forbidden fruit' was too intoxicating for me.

'Forbidden Fruit' was another fascination for me from an early age.  Constantly being told by my mother to 'do the right thing' and 'be better than the neighbours' had no effect on me.  I did want to be a good boy but I also wanted to have fun.  I was easily influenced by both my peers and by the media of the early 1970's.  I was a teenage alcoholic, a teenage runaway, and a teenage drug addict.

I didn't want to be like everyone else. I wanted to be like the Hollywood stars and live a life of glamour and infamy - at least I have achieved one of my childhood dreams.

Then there is the unrealistic perception that you cannot function normally unless you are on drugs.  This, for me at least, was backed up by rare experiences of stuffing things up the few times I was actually straight - for example the only time I rode my motorbike straight I had an accident and the bike was totaled.  You convince yourself that your performance is better on drugs because in reality you don't know any different. It is a good argument for believing that drugs aren't negatively affecting your performance.

As the years went by I kept telling myself that I functioned better on drugs and I really believed it.


Moving forward to when I first started taking drugs I had come through a terrible family ordeal and spent my formative teenage years being victimized by  seemingly everyone around me. When I found drugs and prostitution I found not only a psychological escape but also people who accepted me and who I looked up to.  Drugs would become both my means of escaping the situation I found myself in and also my way to 'fit in' and 'be a cool person' for the first time in my life. 

So while drugs gave me the feelings of personal physical and psychological satisfaction they also took away a huge part of my life.  Being stoned constantly for so many years gave me a false sense of personal satisfaction while all the time I was desperately yearning to do so much more with my life.

Ever since I was taken to England by my mother when I was a young boy I had a burning desire to return.  In fact during my final school years it was all that I wanted to do.  When I started working at Belvoir Boys I was determined to save my earnings and move to England within a year.  Things happened, drugs being one of them, and I never achieved that.  Instead I started partying and clubbing all weekend, the money I could have saved and paid for my move back to England, all gone up in smoke and down in drink.

Again when I broke up with Billy and started working at Brett's Boys.  It was only going to be for 6 months or so, only long enough for me to save enough money to be able to get away from Australia and move permanently to England.  Unfortunately my drug habit soared out of control within a few months and then Matty came along.  I know that without the distorting effect of drugs that my infatuation with Matty would have been short lived.

But by this stage, even when I contemplated a move overseas - something I often did when Matty was on one of his benders and verbally or physically assaulting me - I couldn't imagine how I would last on a 24 hour flight without drugs.  Even worse what would I do  and how would I cope once I arrived and I wouldn't know where to get drugs from?! It was the same when Matty was verbally or physically abusing me.  I would often think of leaving him but then I would wonder how I would cope without money and therefor without drugs.  I would rather live in fear and misery than go without drugs!

These now seem ridiculously, pathetic thoughts but they were honestly part of the reason why I didn't try and put some money aside and follow my dream.

Even my decision to become a teacher was influenced by my desire to travel.  Teaching was a job which would allow me to travel and work as well.  At the time it seemed a brilliant and attainable goal.  I would pass my degree, work for 3 or 4 years and then move to England where I could easily get a teaching job.  1996 came and I discovered ecstasy.  I didn't forget my dream, I just knew it was unattainable as any money I could have saved was spent on pills.  Instead I read travel books, watched travel documentaries and got stoned and kept dreaming.

It would be another 3 years before I finally got to travel overseas.  It wouldn't be due to my own efforts at saving and curbing my drug habit - it would be because I had met a wonderful partner who would pay for me to travel with him.

Socially drugs took away many years of my life.  Up until 1985 and Brett's Boys I had led a fairly social life, even while smoking marijuana.  I would go clubbing, have friends around for dinner, go on picnics or to the beach at the weekend, go to museums and art galleries or the cinema regularly.  Life was exciting and eventful.  Within a few months of starting at Brett's Boys my drug taking spiraled out of control and I ceased to do any of these activities.  I would rather stay at the parlour or at home getting stoned.  I was happiest that way or so I believed. What social opportunities and friends I missed out on I will never know.

The biggest loss though was one that I would not realize until it was too late.  It was the loss of my family.  Missing out on sharing my life with my parents and sisters, and more importantly missing out on seeing my nieces and nephews grow up.

Even though I had initially run away from my family, I had eventually returned and for a short while started enjoying their company, while still  being my gay, outrageous 18 year old self.  When I started smoking dope regularly I wanted to get away from them as quickly as possible which is what I did.  For a few years I was able to visit them regularly but once I started working as a prostitute and being stoned 24/7 I was both ashamed to be with them and unable to face them without being stoned.

I did have a conscience about this.  I neither felt comfortable around them nor believed it was the right thing to do to them.  I didn't want to be the drug addicted Uncle who my family put up with out of a sense of loyalty, while secretly being embarrassed and ashamed of me.  So I cut myself off from them as much as I could, only seeing them once a year at Christmas time and on a handful of other family occasions for nearly 20 years.  Again it would be my new partner who would push me back to my family.

It would be too late though.  I had missed out on my nieces and nephews childhood and now they are grown up and I have no idea of who they really are - they are just young people who I see rarely and have no real connection to me.  Similarly my sisters are vague figures to me.  They have had a lifetime of experience of which I have been no part.  They are different people to the two girls I grew up with and I have no idea about their thoughts and feelings.

So we get to 1996 and I discover Ecstasy.  If it hadn't been for my dependence on marijuana then I would have never allowed Matty to dominate my life in the way that he did.  If he hadn't dominated my life in such a negative way then I would possibly have never needed the total escape from reality which ecstasy provided in the first months of taking it.  Possibly it would have been just another drug which I tried and used occasionally, instead it became a physiological escape for me and like all my previous drug use would be taken to the extreme.  Of course my marijuana us didn't diminish, rather I just started using two drugs to excess.

It would be another 14 years of addiction until I managed to break away and finally start achieving my dreams.  Thankfully I managed to do things which I had never imagined and achieve some things which I am proud of - if you are interested you may like to see my Facebook pages Clean and Green up Temple Town (which gave national recognition in Cambodia) and my new page Belgrade Experience (my dreams achieved).

Life was to become a tricky path where I would have  the time of my life but also experience the worst that life can serve up.  Do I blame drugs or do I blame my own inability to act responsibly and stop living a totally hedonistic life?  Was I really my 'own worst enemy'?

 GLORY DAZE.......(Part 1.)

They arrived at an inconvenient time
I was hiding in a room in my mind
They made me look at myself
I saw it well, I'd shut the people out of my life
So now I take the opportunities
Wonderful teachers ready to teach me
I must work on my mind
For now I realize
Everyone of us has a heaven inside

It was the last Saturday of March 1996 when my life would take a dramatic, and I think positive, change.  For 3 months I had hidden myself away from the world wallowing in my own misery.  I was content with my job, my marijuana and having my beautiful dog as my sole companion.  The only socializing I did was with John and Trudi - when I bought drugs, my girlfriend from the laundromat who would occasionally drop in after work and my neighbour, who also shared the occasional smoke with me.

It was he who was to change my life.  That Saturday, the day of the Sydney Gay and Lesbian Mardi Gras, he popped over for a smoke and gave me an Ecstasy tablet.  He told me I could only have it provided I went out that night and enjoyed myself.  He told me he and his wife were worried about me constantly hiding away from everything and ever body.  He was right of course but I could not, or did not see that I had a life ahead of me without Matty.

I had never said no to drugs before and I wasn't about to this time.  However I seriously had second thoughts for most of the evening.  I had a vague idea that the pill would be similar to LSD and I wasn't sure my mind was ready for that.  I was sure that if I went out I would end up somewhere balling my eyes out.  I wasn't worried about taking a new drug just concerned that I would have an negative reaction. 

David popped over again around 8.30 pm.  I hadn't showered or dressed and after a few smokes he asked me if I was going to go out.  I told him I was but had seriously considered staying in.  He promised me that I would really enjoy myself and it would do me good. I decided he was probably right and thought that if it didn't go as he planned then I could always come home again.

So I got ready and took half a pill around 10pm assuming it would take at least an hour or more to take effect.  I took my dog for a long walk and half way home, as the dog was relieving himself I suddenly realized that I was tingling all over and swaying to the music coming from one of the neighbour's houses who were having a party.

I rushed home and took the plunge, hailed a taxi outside the door and headed of to The Imperial.  It was really the only gay place I knew.  I hadn't been out in years.  I could count on one hand the number of times since 1985 when I had actually gone to a club.  The Imperial I knew from living nearby when I was at Stanmore.  By the time we got there I was already peaking - not that I knew what that was at the time.  I only knew that I felt fabulous.  Happy and full of wonder at the world around me and with enormous amounts of energy that I wanted to express.

The Imperial was closed!  I was too far in to back out now.  So I asked the driver to take me to Oxford St.  He replied that being Mardi Gras he wouldn't be able to drive all the way there due to traffic blockades and street closures but would get me as close as possible.  He dropped me off at the bottom of Crown and Cleveland St in Surry Hills.  It was a good 20 minute walk to the other end of Crown St and Oxford St.  How amazing was it to be walking (peaking wildly) past my very first rental.  I can recall standing outside for what seemed like ages and recalling my wild, new wave daze sharing with Ren and Simon.  Then I remembered the 'ghost' and started shivering - it was time to move on.

Oxford St was still packed with people. Some still hanging around after the parade had passed by and others returning to continue their night.  Everyone was happy and laughing and dancing and hugging.  It was exactly what I wanted to do - for the first time in years.  I turned right and squeezed my way through the crowd until I found myself outside Midnight Shift.  I took a deep breath and stood in the queue, my heart racing, my feet tapping and my expectations high.

The Midnight Shift was one of Sydney's premier gay bars.  In my day during the early 1980's it had been a leather bar and somewhere I wouldn't have been seen dead in.  Times change and so had the Shift. The music and the crowd were pumping and so was I.  grabbing a drink from the bar I stood overlooking the dance floor letting the euphoria of the pill and the buzz of the crowd take me away.  It wasn't long before I was on the floor and having the time of my life.  I danced alone, I danced with countless lovely happy boys, and when I was sure I was handling the pill I went to the bathroom and took the other half.

BAMM!  The rest of the night was a blur of lights and colour and boys and rhythm.  I was in heaven and I wanted everyone to be there with me.  I danced and danced the night away.  Only stopping for wee breaks and once or twice going outside to cool off and have a cigarette.  The world on ecstasy is truly wonderful.  Lights twirl brightly, people all seem lovely, the air is fresh and crisp and you feel not only happy and friendly but incredibly horny as well. I couldn't stand still for more than a few minutes though.  I had numerous proposals to go home with boys, not too mention some very intimate gropes while queuing for the toilet, but I had too much energy and just wanted to dance to every song that the DJ played.  I was one of the last to leave the dance floor sometime around 5am in the morning.

Stepping outside I was waiting for a taxi when a really cute boy approached me and started chatting.  We ended up going on to a 24 hour hotel and having a drink before he asked me if I wanted to go back to his apartment and share an ecstasy pill with him.  I should have realized that he was already smashed, but being me I was too caught up in enjoying myself to notice.  We got to his apartment and he brought out a joint and an pill.  He was too drunk to cut it in half and so I ended up doing it.  My first time on Ecstasy and I was already an expert!

After popping the pill and smoking the joint we started fondling each other.  I was just starting to unbutton his shirt when I heard him snoring.  He had fallen fast asleep!  Nothing was going to wake him and so after 10 minutes or so of feeling stupid I decided to let myself out and go home.  I was really buzzing now.  My legs were sore but my energy levels were really high.  I got home and was still rearing to party.  I couldn't believe how wonderfully happy I was feeling.

It was not even 7am and I just wanted to dance and party.  My neighbour was still sleeping and it was too early to go to visit John and Trudi.  I took my dog up to the park and stayed for over an hour relishing the freshness of the morning and the wonder of the panoramic view laid out before my eyes.  Back home I was still full of energy so I showered and hopped on a bus and went shopping!

I returned home laden with new clothes and cd's and spent an hour dancing in my lounge room in my new, and after years of conservative dressing, really trendy clothes.  I was as horny as hell and was delighted when one of my massage clients, a young, handsome tradesman rang me to see if I was free.  It turned out he had also been out and was returning home.  He was just as high as I was and we had a fabulous time, going way beyond our usual massage and hand job.  After he left my neighbour came over.  He was thrilled to see me happy and smiling - probably the first time he had seen me like this.

And so began a new period on my life.  A time of fun and reveling. A time where I would finally regain my self confidence, a time where I would meet many new friends and do new things.  A time where I finally started re - experiencing the joy of life and being me.

I'M BACK!

Been traveling, moved countries and finally settled.  A new chapter on its way in a day or so.