Do you know where you're going to
Do you like the things that life is showing you
Where are you going to
Do you know
Do you get
What you're hoping for
When you look behind you
There's no open doors
What are you hoping for
Do you know
From 1982 until 1996 I had dabbled into pretty much every drug on offer but had never overdone any of them except marijuana. Besides the cost of other drugs I was also aware of the bad side effects they were purported to have. My experiences with drug users in my early years reflected this opinion. I didn't want to end up with my health shattered and looking like a walking skeleton. So for those reasons I only ever dabbled in heavier drugs very occasionally and purely for recreational purposes.
Why then my fixation for marijuana? I had for years been what the Americans would term 'a stoner'. Never far from a joint or bong and totally unable to go without for even one day. The euphoric effects of smoking dope are coupled with an acute sense of self - consciousness and the feeling that your actions are being monitored by other people - possibly why dope smoking is not a 'social type' activity and is usually done with a close group of fellow smokers or alone.
Why also my inability to curb my dope smoking and to smoke such large quantities? Why had I let it totally control my life and actions? Why had I let it cause me so many problems and why couldn't I see that it was at the root of my problems? Why then did I finally, after 18 years, did I take the next step and delve into the world of amphetamines? Letting them take almost total control of my life, to the point where my health was in serious danger.
Your childhood perceptions are all subjective but I believe form a very large role in how you adapt to adult life. I always see my childhood as being one of happy but spartan times. One of my earliest school memories is when I was about 6. I don't remember the occasion but it was a 'special' day at school and we were allowed to bring a 'party lunch' from home.
We were all very excited and couldn't wait until lunchtime to open our treats. When it came I remember watching all the other children eating fairy bread, sausage rolls, cakes, toffee apples and biscuits which their mothers had lovingly packed for them. I can still feel the embarrassment and shame of 'being a poor kid' as I unwrapped and ate my jam sandwich.
These feelings of 'being a poor kid' were only emphasized by my mothers refusal to mix with people of our own socio-economic status and try and be part of a social group who were not only wealthier but also who made us acutely aware of our economic status. I was constantly watching other kids playing with the latest toys, when I only had my sisters hand me down dolls to play with, swimming in their in-ground pools, when all I had was the creek in the bush and hearing them talk about all the places they had been on holidays, when all I got to do was go camping in a second hand tent in the bush.
My parents constant scrimping and scraping would, I think, be a major reason why I refused to go without in later life and spent money as quickly as I earned it.
My addictive personality emerged at an early age. For someone who had nothing, when I did get something which I enjoyed then I would enjoy it to the max. Occasionally my father would join in on the grocery shopping. We relished these rare family days. Unlike my mother who bought, rote-like, the cheapest and most predictable grocery items, my father would always throw in 'exotic' meats and fruits and cheeses and wonder of wonders - chocolate biscuits! Once home the biscuits would be stored away in the cupboard only to be taken out for special occasions.
From an early age I would wait and wait and wait for that special occasion. Greedily eyeing the unopened packet of biscuits until I could stand it no longer. Given the opportunity of being alone I would invariably raid the cupboard and find a hiding spot where I would eat the entire packet in one sitting. Sickness from over-eating or the knowledge that I would be found out and thrashed severely did not deter me. The taste of 'forbidden fruit' was too intoxicating for me.'Forbidden Fruit' was another fascination for me from an early age. Constantly being told by my mother to 'do the right thing' and 'be better than the neighbours' had no effect on me. I did want to be a good boy but I also wanted to have fun. I was easily influenced by both my peers and by the media of the early 1970's. I was a teenage alcoholic, a teenage runaway, and a teenage drug addict.
I didn't want to be like everyone else. I wanted to be like the Hollywood stars and live a life of glamour and infamy - at least I have achieved one of my childhood dreams.
Then there is the unrealistic perception that you cannot function normally unless you are on drugs. This, for me at least, was backed up by rare experiences of stuffing things up the few times I was actually straight - for example the only time I rode my motorbike straight I had an accident and the bike was totaled. You convince yourself that your performance is better on drugs because in reality you don't know any different. It is a good argument for believing that drugs aren't negatively affecting your performance.
As the years went by I kept telling myself that I functioned better on drugs and I really believed it.
Moving forward to when I first started taking drugs I had come through a terrible family ordeal and spent my formative teenage years being victimized by seemingly everyone around me. When I found drugs and prostitution I found not only a psychological escape but also people who accepted me and who I looked up to. Drugs would become both my means of escaping the situation I found myself in and also my way to 'fit in' and 'be a cool person' for the first time in my life.
So while drugs gave me the feelings of personal physical and psychological satisfaction they also took away a huge part of my life. Being stoned constantly for so many years gave me a false sense of personal satisfaction while all the time I was desperately yearning to do so much more with my life.
Ever since I was taken to England by my mother when I was a young boy I had a burning desire to return. In fact during my final school years it was all that I wanted to do. When I started working at Belvoir Boys I was determined to save my earnings and move to England within a year. Things happened, drugs being one of them, and I never achieved that. Instead I started partying and clubbing all weekend, the money I could have saved and paid for my move back to England, all gone up in smoke and down in drink.
But by this stage, even when I contemplated a move overseas - something I often did when Matty was on one of his benders and verbally or physically assaulting me - I couldn't imagine how I would last on a 24 hour flight without drugs. Even worse what would I do and how would I cope once I arrived and I wouldn't know where to get drugs from?! It was the same when Matty was verbally or physically abusing me. I would often think of leaving him but then I would wonder how I would cope without money and therefor without drugs. I would rather live in fear and misery than go without drugs!
These now seem ridiculously, pathetic thoughts but they were honestly part of the reason why I didn't try and put some money aside and follow my dream.
Even my decision to become a teacher was influenced by my desire to travel. Teaching was a job which would allow me to travel and work as well. At the time it seemed a brilliant and attainable goal. I would pass my degree, work for 3 or 4 years and then move to England where I could easily get a teaching job. 1996 came and I discovered ecstasy. I didn't forget my dream, I just knew it was unattainable as any money I could have saved was spent on pills. Instead I read travel books, watched travel documentaries and got stoned and kept dreaming.
Socially drugs took away many years of my life. Up until 1985 and Brett's Boys I had led a fairly social life, even while smoking marijuana. I would go clubbing, have friends around for dinner, go on picnics or to the beach at the weekend, go to museums and art galleries or the cinema regularly. Life was exciting and eventful. Within a few months of starting at Brett's Boys my drug taking spiraled out of control and I ceased to do any of these activities. I would rather stay at the parlour or at home getting stoned. I was happiest that way or so I believed. What social opportunities and friends I missed out on I will never know.
The biggest loss though was one that I would not realize until it was too late. It was the loss of my family. Missing out on sharing my life with my parents and sisters, and more importantly missing out on seeing my nieces and nephews grow up.
Even though I had initially run away from my family, I had eventually returned and for a short while started enjoying their company, while still being my gay, outrageous 18 year old self. When I started smoking dope regularly I wanted to get away from them as quickly as possible which is what I did. For a few years I was able to visit them regularly but once I started working as a prostitute and being stoned 24/7 I was both ashamed to be with them and unable to face them without being stoned.
I did have a conscience about this. I neither felt comfortable around them nor believed it was the right thing to do to them. I didn't want to be the drug addicted Uncle who my family put up with out of a sense of loyalty, while secretly being embarrassed and ashamed of me. So I cut myself off from them as much as I could, only seeing them once a year at Christmas time and on a handful of other family occasions for nearly 20 years. Again it would be my new partner who would push me back to my family.
So we get to 1996 and I discover Ecstasy. If it hadn't been for my dependence on marijuana then I would have never allowed Matty to dominate my life in the way that he did. If he hadn't dominated my life in such a negative way then I would possibly have never needed the total escape from reality which ecstasy provided in the first months of taking it. Possibly it would have been just another drug which I tried and used occasionally, instead it became a physiological escape for me and like all my previous drug use would be taken to the extreme. Of course my marijuana us didn't diminish, rather I just started using two drugs to excess.
It would be another 14 years of addiction until I managed to break away and finally start achieving my dreams. Thankfully I managed to do things which I had never imagined and achieve some things which I am proud of - if you are interested you may like to see my Facebook pages Clean and Green up Temple Town (which gave national recognition in Cambodia) and my new page Belgrade Experience (my dreams achieved).
Life was to become a tricky path where I would have the time of my life but also experience the worst that life can serve up. Do I blame drugs or do I blame my own inability to act responsibly and stop living a totally hedonistic life? Was I really my 'own worst enemy'?
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