DARK DAZE.....(part 2).

My life is over and it doesn't matter how I cry.
My tears it seems are a waste of time.
Am I strong enough to see it through?
Those crazy days that I've been through.....

In the first few days after my arrest that's how my life seemed.  Suddenly, after years of living in total hedonism, where all pleasures were not only on offer, but also seemingly overlooked by the authorities, my lifestyle had caught up with me in a big way.

It didn't help when I contacted a very expensive and reputed Sydney solicitor.  After hearing my story he basically told me just what the police had said.  With my confession and the fact that Matty was a minor he said the best I could hope for would be 2 years incarceration in a supervised wing.  That meant I wouldn't be thrown in with the regular inmates but would get to serve my time with 'special prisoners' where my safety would be guaranteed as best as was possible


Ironically, I would be placed with Abe Saffron (who I was sure had been responsible for Billy's death all those years ago) and the nameless police officer who had already played a large part in my life - again connected to Billy's death.

In desperation I turned to the one person who could possibly help me.  Throughout my childhood my parents had been active members of one of the local political parties.  They not only joined the local branch but hosted fundraising parties and at every election, both state and federal, were actively handing out pamphlets to gain voters.  I had helped them on many occasions.

Even more ironic was that the man I chose to turn to had been having a 'platonic' relationship with my mother and even at the time this was still going on.  I had no idea of this and it wasn't until this year (almost 30 years later) that I found out this information from my Aunty.

All this time I had been the one member of the family living a double life, deceiving people as to my lifestyle and thinking I was the black sheep!  My mother had done it so well.  I can clearly remember in my early teenage years when we all (my sisters and I) thought mum was getting close to our local state representative.  He was always at our house, helping host parties and carrying on such a close friendship with my mother that even my father began to question her.

It turned out that this was a clever front played perfectly by mother and by our Federal member (who late went on to become a Frontbencher in the government).  The relationship lasted for years and it was only this man's fear of my father that apparently prevented him from leaving his wife and becoming my mothers lover!

So I rang his office and made an appointment to see him.  It was the first time in at least 6 years I had seen him . Matty and I arrived and I was in such a state of both distress, fear and humiliation that I couldn't even speak.  He let Matty do all the talking.  He wasn't impressed, in fact he was very angry with me, but promised to do what he could to help.  The only condition was that he would ring my parents and tell them what I had done.

Back home I waited for the call from my parents. Now, knowing what I know about my mother and this man, I realize why I was so shocked at my parents unexpected reaction.

All my life I had been used to my father blowing up for the slightest reason, using his fists and words to hurt us.  My mother was always the one who tried to rationalize the situation and calm things down.  I got a totally opposite reaction.  After receiving a bitter and hurtful response from my mother- who was ready to disown me, my father eventually took the phone and calmly told me he was very disappointed but 'what was done was done' and we had to work out the best solution.  Between him and the 'politician' we arranged a new solicitor who was much more understanding and positive about what outcomes could be achieved.

So for the next year I followed my new solicitors instructions. I applied for unemployment benefits and regularly attended the social security offices each week - superficially so it looked like I was keen to get 'legal employment'.  Three times a week I had to report to the local police station to sign as part of my bail conditions.

Luckily the days for reporting were all days when I was not rostered at Brett's.  So I used to walk my dog the 2km and back to the station to sign in.  I left the dog tied outside on the police station fence and within weeks the police were giving him treats each time I arrived. 

 Out of all the people who could have supported me I can honestly say that the then serving officers at Leichhardt Police Station were the most supportive and friendly.  Even on my last visit before my sentencing they all wished me well and showed me their report which basically stated that I had always attended as per my bail conditions and also that in their opinion 'Richard was a decent young man who had gone off the tracks due to his family and personal past and that they could see no reason to believe he would repeat this offence, nor did he pose any threat to society'.

It's amazing how some things stick in your head forever.  I must have looked pathetic on that day.  Walking back home with my dog, tears streaming down my face, wishing that it was the Leichhardt police who would sentence me.

Of course I hadn't changed my lifestyle at all.  In fact my coping strategy was to become even more drug and sex dependant during the time I was awaiting trial.
Louise had opened a new parlour which was basically a B&D parlour for gay men.  She gave Colin the job of managing and Brett took over the extra shifts.  They both still worked at Brett's boys but Louise took them off two shifts and gave me these to cover.  Luckily with an increased wage which I desperately needed to cover my solicitors expenses.

So now I was working 8 out of 14 twelve hour shifts a week.  Brett's was my little baby.  My home away from home.  My source of income, both from my amazing wage (not too mention client tips) and the increase in the amount of marijuana we were all now smoking (and the boys buying from me).  I was spending more time there than at home. New boys were coming daily to ask for work and I had sex with nearly every one of them.  Those I didn't think suitable were sent on to the new parlour.

Matty who now was working in a regular 9 - 5 job would visit each evening I was there.  I would duck out in the early afternoon on my double shifts to buy food which I cooked there.  Quite often cooking for the other boys as well.  It was during one of these outings when I returned to find Matty and one of the new boys shooting up speed in the back room.

I have stated earlier that I believed I had psychic abilities and this was another of those times when deep down I could see the outcome, or so I thought.  The boy, I knew was a heroin addict, but he had been hired on the proviso that he wouldn't use while at work.  For the 2 or so weeks he had been at Brett's he had kept his promise and turned up for every shift straight.  He was happy to spend $20 or $40 on marijuana to get him through his shift.

With this dreaded premonition I reacted in the only way I could.  I slapped Matty hard across the face and grabbed the needle and speed and threw them out onto the street.  The boy I told to get out and not come back.

Less than two hours later Louise was around wanting to know what had happened.  When I told her she said the boy had immediately gone to the new parlour, where Colin had given him a job, claiming that I had hit him and thrown him out because he had brought marijuana onto the premises and that I had told him only I was allowed to deal drugs at Brett's.

On speaking to the other workers, Louise said she believed my side of the story but had to confirm it (even though she said she hadn't believed the boy originally).

It's amazing how one incident can have such a dramatic impact upon your life.  One minute I was out innocently shopping for dinner only to return to a crisis that would turn out to be life shattering.  In one way which I had foreseen, but in anther way that I was totally unprepared for and that would change my life in ways that I could never imagine....... in fact it would change 3 lives forever!