DARKEST DAZE...(part 1).

Where lies your heart?
It's not there in the buckskin, baby.
It's not there in the gin
That makes you laugh long and loud.

You're a coward, James.
You're running away from humanity.
You're running away from reality.
It won't be funny when they rat-a-tat-tat you down.

Our period of profitability and good times lasted no longer than 3 months.  Matty, after his initial illness, seemed to recover quickly but nevertheless gave up his job and went on sickness benefits.  He refused to do any driving jobs and his only source of income was his fortnightly sickness benefits.

On top of that he spent up to 12 hours a day in his room sleeping.  He would go to bed before midnight and refuse to leave his room before midday.  Even this was only because our partner generally arrived around 1pm to spend a few hours going over the takings and getting stoned with us.  Generally he would fill the first bowl and then we would take turns buying off him to keep the party going.

We were making reasonable money but with Matty now on a lower pay and refusing to do any driving jobs our share of the profits was rapidly diminishing.  Instead of changing his lifestyle and following the doctors advice he seemed intent on doing everything he could to make his health even worse.  During his waking hours he insisted the mull bowl be constantly full.  He began drinking and started popping pills (downers) constantly.  This was on top of the medication he was prescribed.

Consequently he began to have rapid mood swings.  The slightest thing would set him into a rage.  Mostly this was aimed at me, but quite often at the workers.  We had to be on tenterhooks from the moment he went to bed till the moment he woke up. No longer could I wake up at 7am and start cleaning the house or put the washing on, the few times I did he came down and physically assaulted me regardless of who was there.

Generally he would grab me around the throat and push me against the wall, verbally abusing and threatening me, but occasionally he would lash out and punch me.  The fear and humiliation became a daily phobia, never knowing what to expect from him and never knowing how to act as it seemed no matter how hard I tried to follow his orders he would tell me that I had yet again failed and the beatings and verbal abuse would start again.

My only solace was the early mornings.  I would wake early and quietly do as much cleaning as I could.  At the time one of the drag queens was staying with us, sleeping on the lounge.  She wasn't a marijuana smoker but would always buy a 'stick' so that I could have a quiet smoke each morning.  Then I would take my beautiful dog out for a walk enjoying the peace and solitude of the amazing suburb we lived in.

One morning I returned and Matty had woken up early.  Seeing the half full mull bowl he accused me of stealing profits from him.  When Tamara (the drag queen) tried to tell him that she had paid for the grass and shared it with me he smacked her in the face sending her across the room.  Then he laid into me, with each punch telling me how pathetic I was getting people to lie to protect me.

Tamara left that day...I never saw her again, but she was quick to pass the word around and from that day we never had another queen apply for a job.  Matty's anger left as quickly as it came.  He sat and smoked the remaining grass while he 'made me' finish the house cleaning.

At this point I am sure many of you are wondering why I didn't just walk out?  I was in love with Matty.  I was dependent on drugs.  I was on a good behaviour bond.  Matty was constantly threatening me that he would inform the police, that he would tell my parents what I was doing (they had no idea that I was running a brothel), that he would harm my parents, that he would kill my dog.  At the same time he was constantly re-enforcing his belief that he only hit me because I was doing the wrong thing - that I wasn't following his orders. 

I was in constant fear not only of his violence but of the consequences that might follow.  I could be thrown in jail.  My parents would be harmed or simply cut me out of their lives.  My beautiful and loyal dog would be harmed.  I would be out on the streets with no money and even worse no drugs! 

After any violent session he would be all full of apologies (while insisting that I only had to do what he asked to stop him from getting angry) and follow it up with a night of romance and love making.  I was hooked in more ways than one.

When the owner of our rented house turned up one morning and told us that he knew we were operating a brothel and demanded we pay him double the original rental price we were stunned.  He had every right as our lease was strictly for 'residential purposes' and as we were running a business he could legally give us one week's notice.

$150 a week was not an issue with our partner.  He was still making a profit on top of the drugs he was selling to our workers.  For us it was a calamity.  We were already living from day to day and an extra $75 a week was almost two days without smoking.  Our partner had already made it clear that he would not accept credit so any drugs we smoked had to be paid for on the spot.

With Matty's insatiable demand for drugs and refusal to do any driving jobs, I was forced into a corner.  I was working as a prostitute, which didn't make the other boys particularly happy, and often rigging the books and sharing the takings with the boys.  Never knowing if our partner would walk in and find out.  He was a nice guy, but definitely not someone you wanted to cross.  I was in constant fear of being caught out by him or not providing for Matty and getting a beating.

Then Matty started drinking more and more.  A bottle of whiskey a day which at that time cost around $20.  When he was drunk he would get even more abusive and want to smoke more and more.  We started dipping into our partner's profits to keep smoking, all the while I was desperately afraid of being caught out by our partner.  So I began to rig the books even more.  The boys would get $40 and I would get $10 and nothing would be recorded.

When the drink and marijuana wasn't enough for Matty he started on 'downers'.  Back at Brett's Boys they had been easily available.  All the drag queens had a constant supply.  We had no queens working for us and so Matty would send me out to the doctors to get a prescription. This worked for a while, until one day after visiting 3 different doctors who all refused me, the fourth not only refused me but threatened to call the police and also to inform all the doctors in the area about me.

I had no choice but to return home with no pills, all the while hoping that we had made some money from clients and could pay for marijuana and another bottle of whiskey to keep Matty happy and me both relaxed and safe from another bashing.

Of course when I returned we had had no clients and Matty was furious.  In front of the boys he grabbed me around the throat and slammed my head into the wall.  Despite the boys trying to stop him, he easily pushed them aside and then kneed me in the stomach. I fell to the floor where he kicked me in the ribs and then did a knee drop onto my face.  Only the utter humiliation of being so helpless in front of the boys who had once held me in such high esteem stopped me from feeling the pain of my cheek bones splintering.

Once done it was over as quickly as it had started.  I was left to crawl to the bathroom and tend to my wounds while Matty waited for me to come out and 'mull up' for him.  We had no money to pay for it but I wasn't going to argue.  I was much happier to face our partner than go through another beating.  My only solace was that one of the boys came and sat with us (the other boys hid in the lounge) and bought a stick to throw into the bowl.

While we sat and smoked, pretending that nothing had happened, the boy all the while kept his leg (under the table) against mine in silent support.  I don't even remember his name now but I can still picture him and am forever thankful to him for being there for me.

Later that night life would change yet again.....